Just finished watching the Caprica DVD that came out last Tuesday.  Totally gonna love watching that show.  Too bad it does not come out until 2010.  Who knows what the world will be like then?  Psycho-analyzing myself again tonight.  Thinking about my life.  Where I've been and where I'm going.  I'm introspective like that.  So here we are.  My thoughts are very sporatic and random right now so I'm going to just list them out for you and go from there.

1. It seems like everyone in the world falls in love so easily... except for me.  Am I just odd?  I think that I've been completely captivated by another person a total of two times in my entire life.  And when you experience emotions that extreme, everything else pales in comparison.  I've grown to learn that it takes time to learn and love another person.  I'm incredibly patient about such things, but sometimes it just never happens.  I think I've become so obsessed with avoiding negative things that I forget that you have to take the good and the bad when it comes to other people. 
   
2. It's amazing how insanely logical I am. My brain processes everything as 1s and 0s.. like computer code.  Even emotional situations.  I map out the most likely outcomes of any situation based on my observations of outside stimuli, and I cross-reference that with what are "staples" of my personality matrix.  And most of my decisions go from there.  Does that make me dull, boring, or just practical?  I'm just working based on the evidence that I have in front of me.  When I am presented with a viable reason to rework my theories, then perhaps I will walk down that path.  But for now, my judgement stands.
3. I need to see some positive examples of long term relationships.  I mean other than my parents and other select family members.  I need more evidence to make a case for LTR because right now the cards are stacked against the positive outcomes of such and endeavor. 
   
4. I wish someone would surprise me and be different for a change.
5. I wonder if my previous life as a JesusFreak has something to do with the fact that I have more faith in a "higher power" than in flesh and blood people.
6. I need to go to bed.
   

Gonna go to sleep soon. But I wanted to stop by and let you know that I miss you dandelion and I really love you. Who is my dandelion? It's a line from the song "Petals" by Mariah Carey. She is talking about her sister. She sings my heart, but I think you know where I am going. I have been blessed to have capture the hearts of many. But that's starting to hurt... starting to pull at me. Because all I want for you is to be happy. To smile, to be joyous, to be as happy...happier than I am. I wish I could give you that and more. But I'm not sure I know how...

I tried to hard to preserve my sanity. I found the strength to break away. Fly....

I know there is a rainbow...

4am and I'm still awake.  Bouncing around on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.  Methods of madness for our day.  Headphones in my ear.  Listening to Mariah Carey on repeat.  Same song all day.  Petals.  "And I miss you and even love you, and I wish there was a way for me to trust you.  But it hurts me everytime I try to touch you."  I love how Mariah sings my heart.  It's been so long since I have actually spent any time thinking about my emotions or just allowing myself to FEEL.  I'm so anti-emotional these days, but it's clear that I'm just as human as I have ever been.  "And I miss you little sis and little brother, and I hope you realize I'll always love you.  And although you're struggling, you will recover..."

Lately I think about love more often than I should.  It's funny how we think we know what it is or what it should be and yet it never seems to be that way.  But it seems so simple.  How card can it really be for you to just love me for me?  To consider me in your thoughts and your actions and your deeds.  Is it something I did?  Something I said?  Something I'm not.  Hmmm.  I wanna stop this train of thought before it goes any further.

The moon is shining brightly outside.  I can see it from my bed.  In my mind I am standing out there alone and the wind is blowing.  The seasons are changing.   We're all damaged.  Oh so damaged.  I guess we can only do our best.  At least that is what I am attempting to do.  "And I hope you realize I'll always love you."

I just really don't want to end up regretting what my life is become or where it is going.  Jason was right.  So much buried away.  Who would have guessed that below this stoic exterior is an emotional powerhouse.  No turning back now.  I feel like all I can do is move forward and try again.  Somewhere beyond here.  Becoming, always becoming, and becoming.  And I wish that you and I'd forgive each other, because I miss you Valentine - and I really love you.