4am and I'm still awake. Bouncing around on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Methods of madness for our day. Headphones in my ear. Listening to Mariah Carey on repeat. Same song all day. Petals. "And I miss you and even love you, and I wish there was a way for me to trust you. But it hurts me everytime I try to touch you." I love how Mariah sings my heart. It's been so long since I have actually spent any time thinking about my emotions or just allowing myself to FEEL. I'm so anti-emotional these days, but it's clear that I'm just as human as I have ever been. "And I miss you little sis and little brother, and I hope you realize I'll always love you. And although you're struggling, you will recover..."
Lately I think about love more often than I should. It's funny how we think we know what it is or what it should be and yet it never seems to be that way. But it seems so simple. How card can it really be for you to just love me for me? To consider me in your thoughts and your actions and your deeds. Is it something I did? Something I said? Something I'm not. Hmmm. I wanna stop this train of thought before it goes any further.
The moon is shining brightly outside. I can see it from my bed. In my mind I am standing out there alone and the wind is blowing. The seasons are changing. We're all damaged. Oh so damaged. I guess we can only do our best. At least that is what I am attempting to do. "And I hope you realize I'll always love you."
I just really don't want to end up regretting what my life is become or where it is going. Jason was right. So much buried away. Who would have guessed that below this stoic exterior is an emotional powerhouse. No turning back now. I feel like all I can do is move forward and try again. Somewhere beyond here. Becoming, always becoming, and becoming. And I wish that you and I'd forgive each other, because I miss you Valentine - and I really love you.
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