Blue eyes, brown eyes, incandescent wonder
Sustaining today but can you hold on to tomorrow
I keep trying to see beyond the horizon
But my vision doesn't go that far
Anticipation. Elusive. Jumbled.
Can you figure this out? Paint this picture
Contemplate this mystery and solve this riddle
I'm always here becoming, becoming, becoming..
Always here..

Sacrifice. Gave it away, left it alone
Weighing life and tomorrow on the scales of time
Tried to reach you
Tried to reach me
Can't find either of us anymore
Back at this door trying to open it
Exciting, exhilarating, this moment
Where does it go
What do we do
What do we do
Always here...

You've seen what I see
Coming and present, near and far
Logic doesn't allow for it
But emotion embraces it, demands it
Respects it and brings it to pass
Reach out and touch me
Not too fast or too harsh
Skin breaks, bleeds, dies, and is cast away
I want to be immortal
The way you are
Always present here inside

The battle rages on
You versus yourself and me versus my mind
Afraid of
Held captive by
Tomorrow and yesterday
Let go
Just be

We're on a collision course
Tangled and confused but not yet always
I need to hear, to know
To understand
But also to be left unawares
Blue eyes, brown eyes

This is it
That one thing, that only thing
Just for today for now
At your request
Because time is your enemy
Not enough, not slow enough.. way too fast
Every day, all day
Tomorrow

Blue eyes, brown eyes...
on a collision course

crash into me

3:03pm. Ready to go home. Finished with all my work. Reduced to taking random photos of things around my desk, posting random tid-bits on Twitter and wondering what the rest of this day is gonna bring. 4 Double Diamonds into yesterday and I was in bed by 9:30pm and awake again at 2:30am. It's clear that I can only sleep in 4-5hr intervals.

Sitting here hunting through quotes from Grey's Anatomy and "He's Just Not That Into You" so I can post some seemingly profound statement online and pretend like I thought it up on my own accord. Hey, at least I admitted to it.

Today is different. My smile is not as big as it was yesterday because I understand the concept of ebb and flow. Everyday can't be an adventure, even though mine usually are. I'll take the peace and quiet over drama and chaos anyday.

So have you already noticed that I'm trying my best to completely avoid the true point of this particular rant? Pay closer attention. It's funny how people say they want to hear the truth, and then when you tell them.. the truth.. all of it.. they wish they never knew.

It's been one of those week where people start resurrecting and coming back from the dead. You know, all those folks that drop in and out of your life and their convenience. Here today and gone tomorrow. And you finally get tired of it and put them six feet under, and they end up coming back again.. anyway.. always. Yeah, those type. Stage 5 Stalkers and all. Why do people think they can just pop in and out of your life and expect you to welcome them with open arms every time they come back around the block. Funny way of thinking. Sorry, but you're uninvited. Door closed. Game over. I meant what I said about not looking back. I'll settle for endless nights alone in my room with my kids before I surrender myself to the time, attention, and company of people who see me merely as a resource or the "last resort" when the rest of their chaotic world refuses to entertain them.

Glad I got that off my chest. Sometimes I just try to be nice but eventually the truth comes out. Wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm such a hypocrite when it comes to this "living in the moment" ish. It's so much easier to do that when you're not invested, interested, or otherwise attached to the people, places, and things in the moment. But when you actually care. When you are actually invested, interested, involved.. yeah, it's not so easy. So I sit here coasting through my day - running through my routines and every once in a while I'll let my guard down and my mind and heart sabotage me and drag me into that oh-so-interesting train of thought and emotion that involves a lot of longing, hope, and desire. Ever been drawn to something, someone... like magnetism, a naturally occurring and often productive force of nature? Yeah, just like that. Try pulling apart two things that are magnetically attracted to each other and see how easy that is. Funny how it works like that in real life. Yes, even in matters of the heart.

I've always been exceptionally proud of my ability to circumvent or avoid the ways of attraction and charm. I spend so much time staring into space that it takes a really big star to catch my attention. But it happens. It happened. Is happening. And I try to be so coy. Keep it simple. Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, I'll see. Nothing much. Avoid eye contact. Keep my distance. Play the game. Pinch myself when I find myself reaching out to touch you. Didn't realize I was this human now, did you? Trying to read between the lines, anticipate the future, respect the boundaries. Yada yada yada... da.

At the end of the day, it's all bull crap. We can't fight it. Can't change it. Can't make it anything except what it is. We worry about how much it will hurt if we just give in. What's he gonna think? What's he gonna say? How does he feel and what does this me? The mind is so OCD when it comes to analyzing somethings. Where is the frakking off button?

Sometimes I think that we just talk too much. You, me, all of us. Words have an interesting way jumbling things all up. Just shut up and let me hold you for just a little while.

I feel a little better already.

All we can ever do is say how we feel and what we want. We can't control or anticipate how people will respond or if they will even respond at all.

Is it enough to say "I like you" or "You interest me" or "I want to get to know you". We always start there. Playing it safe, and I'm definitely not knocking that. Gotta have some cushion, room to breath, lines in the sand. You know how that goes. At least for now. In the beginning. Way back when you are intrigued by what you see and don't necessarily know.

But the real punch in the stomach comes when you are sitting alone, coasting through your day and all of a sudden you feel it pulling at you. Like an invisible rope that skips across time and space. You know that feeling. It sorta feels like "loss". Not because anyone has come or gone, but because you are here and they are there. Because 1+1 needs to equal 3. So you try to focus. Ignore it you say. Keep this to myself. I'm not going to put myself out there. Not gonna be transparent. Not going to say anything because I'm not going to look stupid. I don't want to be vulnerable.. I don't want....

and silence...

Doesn't work does it? After all the time you spend in your head trying to paint a roadmap for the future and figure out how you can approach this lifetime opportunity without completely screwing it up.. that feeling is still there. Pulling at you. Pulling you away from the moment you are in and throwing you into the past. Remembering smiles and bright eyes, touch, a kiss, those moments where it literally feels like someone took your breath away. Sit closer. Talk slower. Please brush up against me, because I just need to be close to you. I just need to feel...

Remember that? Are you there? Been there? Always there, existing? Now just breathe.

Why can't we just be ok with that longing? That intense feeling that draws us to another person? That makes us remember the past, present, and future all at the same time. Why can't you? Why can't I? Why can't we?

Whenever I go shopping it never takes me very long. I can walk into a store and pick out exactly what I want. I'm in tune. Completely aware of what I like and what I don't. Sometimes I think about the ramifications of my choice. You know things like price and quality and whether or not I really need whatever it is I am splurging on. Sometimes.

Funny thing is that companionship is free. Love doesn't cost a thing. The heart wants what the heart wants. Try arguing with it and you'll lose every time. And because I know there is no way in hell I'll ever win this battle I'm just going to surrender. I'm just going to let it be.

Sometimes it's enough to say "I like you" or "You interest me" or "I want to get to know you". That's where we start. Don't you agree?

But at some point you just have to wear your heart on your sleeve. Throw yourself out there and take the risk of getting hit by the bus. in the very least you'll know where you stand, what road you're walking down, and what direction you can go. And even if your heart gets shattered into a million pieces, it knows how to heal. Been there, done that. So do me a favor and just JUMP! Dive off that cliff into the unknown and just allow yourself to fall. And remember that I never said that you wouldn't get any cuts and bruises along the way. Lord knows I've had more than my share.

At first it's enough to say "I like you" or "You interest me" or "I want to get to know you". But when it comes "I REALLY like you" or "You REALLY interest me" or "I want to spend more time with you"... there is only one thing you can really do. If it's worth your while... then just say something. Write it in the skies or pour it in the ocean. Yeah yeah yeah, so you might not hear what you wanna hear in response. But since when is that the end of the world. That's just it. It isn't. Life goes on.


That's enough for today kids. The rest of this belongs to me. Time to fade for just a little while longer. Say Hi the next time you see me. Because I'm always here... waiting for you to arrive.

Sitting here listening to "Petals" by Mariah Carey and I've just had the most amazing revelation.  It's been a very long time since I have actually thought about what I do and don't want in this life.  I've become very much the type of person that just coasts through life day to day without giving a lot of thought to yesterday or tomorrow.  I'm very much a "in the now" person.  But I'm starting to realize that does not work for a lot of people.  Most people want to at least have a grip on where they going, how they feel... and how I feel in return.  So I'm going to be daring and try to answer some part of that for you.  And I'm sure some of you won't like it.  I'm sure you'll be impatient, frustrated, feel betrayed and all kinds of other things... but this is just reality.  Please understand that this is just how I feel right NOW.  I can't tell you how I am going to feel tomorrow a year from tonight. But this is just where I am today.

1. I don't ever want to feel trapped.  Because of a bad experience I had in a previous relationship, for me being "trapped" current means being in a place where I can't escape.  Waking up every day to chaos and confusion and pain and heartache.  Forced to endure a person and a place that was draining the life out of me.  I'm not ready to play house again.  I'm not ready to do the "married" thing.  Not today, not tomorrow, and not for a while.  I still want it...someday.  But I'm still healing right now so it's not something I even have on my radar.  I love my roommates.  I like being able to come and go as I please.  Being able to feel free in my own home. I want it to stay that way.... for now.
   
2. I want to go bowling and have drinks with my friends.  I want to laugh and be silly and flirt and dance and then go home at the end of the night to my own apartment and sleep in my own bed. 
   
3. I don't want anyone asking me where I am or where I am going.  That makes me feel controlled and trapped (see #1).
4. I don't want to hear the words "Long Term Relationship".  I don't even want to think that far ahead.  And not because I don't want it... it time, but because my brain is still trying to get around the fact that the last time I tried to play house and do the LTR thing - it blew up in my face.  "Cause he's taken you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed".  I'll get back there someday.  But I'm not there right now.
5. I want to cuddle and snuggle and watch tv and laugh and be silly.
6. I want to be able to have my alone time without making anyone feel abandoned or insecure.
7. I just to take it one day at a time, living in the moments that we have now.. without having to contemplate tomorrow.
8. I want time and space to heal.  Somethings still hurt. 
   

To be continued...